Running effective 1-on-1 meetings

One-on-one meetings are a cornerstone of engineering management, yet they are so often misunderstood, rushed, or approached with the same routine questions. For many engineers, these sessions are the rare space for authentic dialogue—about careers, technical roadblocks, learning goals, or even neurodivergent needs. For managers, these conversations offer a unique opportunity to build trust, spot burnout, and nurture both performance and wellbeing. When approached with intention, empathy, and a bit of structure, 1-on-1s can transform the culture of a team and accelerate personal growth.

The True Purpose of 1-on-1 Meetings

One-on-one meetings are not status updates. Project tracking has its own rituals—standups, sprint reviews, and dashboards. The 1-on-1 is your chance to focus on the person behind the deliverables: their motivation, their obstacles, their aspirations. It’s a space for psychological safety, where engineers can share feedback, frustrations, and dreams without an audience or judgment.

The best 1-on-1s aren’t about immediate problems; they’re about fostering a partnership where both manager and engineer can be honest, vulnerable, and ambitious together.

For neurodivergent team members, this dedicated time can be especially powerful. It’s a space to discuss sensory needs, communication preferences, or explore ways to optimize workflows for focus and comfort—without fear of stigma.

Why Engineering Managers Should Care

Many engineering managers arrive in their roles after years as individual contributors. They may be accustomed to solving technical challenges, but people leadership is a different discipline. The 1-on-1 is not a meeting to “tick off”; it’s a vital management tool.

Done well, these meetings:

• Build trust and psychological safety
• Surface early signs of disengagement or burnout
• Enable tailored career development
• Open space for feedback in both directions
• Help neurodivergent team members advocate for their needs

Preparation: The Invisible Work

Effective 1-on-1s begin long before the meeting. Preparation signals respect—for your time, their time, and the importance of the conversation. Before the meeting, review recent code contributions, past 1-on-1 notes, and any feedback you’ve received about or from the engineer. Think about their current projects, but also their long-term goals and learning aspirations.

If you know your team member is neurodivergent, revisit any accommodations or strategies you’ve discussed in the past. Consider whether the meeting environment—physical or virtual—supports their comfort and focus. Sometimes, sharing an agenda or prompting questions ahead of time can help reduce anxiety and improve engagement.

Building a Flexible Agenda

A rigid agenda can kill the spontaneity and openness that make 1-on-1s valuable. However, a complete lack of structure leads to surface-level chatter. The right balance is a flexible framework—a living template that covers key topics but leaves room for what matters most that week.

Common themes for engineering 1-on-1s include:

• Recent wins and challenges
• Technical blockers or process pain points
• Feedback for the manager or the organization
• Career development and learning goals
• Wellbeing and work/life integration
• DEI or accessibility topics, especially for neurodivergent engineers

Share a version of your agenda beforehand. For some team members, especially those who are autistic or have ADHD, knowing what to expect reduces cognitive load and allows more authentic participation.

Opening the Conversation

Start with a check-in. “How are you?” sounds simple, but it’s often superficial. Instead, try:

• “What’s something you’re proud of this week?”
• “What’s taking up the most headspace for you right now?”
• “Is there anything about our process or environment that’s making your work harder?”

Listen for what’s not being said. For example, if an engineer always shrugs off praise, it might be time to dig into their imposter syndrome or perfectionism. If a team member hesitates before answering, gently ask if there’s anything they’d like to discuss in a different format—like writing, or in a follow-up message.

Empathy is more than active listening; it’s noticing patterns and creating space for every voice, especially those who don’t always speak up first.

Discussing Growth and Development

Engineers want to build, learn, and improve. Use your 1-on-1s to discuss not only what they’re working on, but what they want to be working on. Ask about:

• Skills they’d like to develop (technical or soft skills)
• Projects or domains they’re curious about
• Conferences, workshops, or courses that interest them
• Opportunities to mentor others or lead initiatives

For neurodivergent engineers, growth paths may not always fit traditional ladders. Be open to creative assignments or alternative forms of leadership, such as spearheading accessibility initiatives or serving as a technology advocate.

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Feedback is a gift, but only if it’s delivered—and received—well. Use your 1-on-1s to normalize feedback as a two-way street. Invite feedback about your own management style; model openness and humility.

For example:

• “What’s one thing I could do to better support you?”
• “Is there a process or policy that’s slowing you down?”
• “Have you noticed anything I could improve in our team culture?”

When feedback is routine, it becomes less threatening and more actionable.

For your own feedback, focus on specific behaviors and impact, not personal traits. Use “I noticed…” and “I wonder…” to keep the tone open. When discussing sensitive topics, check whether the environment feels safe—sometimes, neurodivergent engineers process feedback best in writing or with time to reflect.

Recognizing Achievements and Addressing Challenges

Celebrating wins is as important as tackling problems. Public praise is powerful, but 1-on-1s allow for tailored recognition, attuned to the individual’s preferences. Some engineers appreciate a shout-out in a team meeting; others value a quiet thank-you or a note for their promotion packet.

When challenges arise—whether technical, interpersonal, or related to wellbeing—approach them with curiosity, not judgment. Ask:

• “What would make this easier for you?”
• “What support or resources do you need?”
• “Would you like to brainstorm solutions together, or would you prefer to try your own approach first?”

Remember, neurodivergent engineers may face unique challenges: sensory overload in open offices, difficulty with unstructured meetings, or fatigue from context-switching. Addressing these concerns openly can unlock creativity and loyalty.

Documentation: Building Long-Term Memory

After each 1-on-1, document the key topics, decisions, and any follow-ups. Transparency builds trust, and written notes help both manager and engineer track progress toward goals.

Some managers use shared documents, others prefer private notes. If you do share notes, ask your team member if they’d like to add or amend anything. This is especially important for neurodivergent colleagues, who may process conversations differently or need written clarity to avoid misunderstandings.

The act of writing down agreements and observations is a small gesture that says: “I care about your growth, and I’m invested in your journey.”

Following Up with Intention

A 1-on-1 isn’t finished when the calendar meeting ends. Follow up on action items, resources, or feedback. Celebrate progress, even small wins. If you promised to research an accommodation or connect them with a mentor, do it promptly.

Consistent follow-through is the foundation of credibility. It also signals to neurodivergent engineers that their needs will not be forgotten or deprioritized.

Special Considerations for Neurodivergent Engineers

Neurodivergent team members—autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, or otherwise—bring unique talents and perspectives to engineering. They may also have specific needs around communication, environment, and feedback. The 1-on-1 is your chance to check in on these needs regularly.

Some best practices:

• Offer agendas in advance to reduce anxiety
• Allow alternative forms of participation (e.g., written updates, asynchronous discussions)
• Be explicit about expectations and feedback
• Respect sensory needs or preferences around meeting format (camera on/off, audio vs. chat, etc.)
• Advocate for accommodations or process changes as needed

The most inclusive teams are those where every engineer feels safe to share what they need to do their best work.

Empowering Career Growth for Women in Technology

Women in engineering, especially those from underrepresented backgrounds, face unique challenges in tech. 1-on-1s are a key venue for surfacing concerns about belonging, advancement, and recognition. Ask directly about career goals, sponsorship opportunities, and any obstacles they’re facing—whether technical or cultural.

Encourage open conversations about mentorship, networking, and visibility within the organization. Be prepared to challenge systemic barriers and advocate for your team members’ advancement.

For women and nonbinary engineers who are also neurodivergent, intersectional challenges may arise. Approach these conversations with extra sensitivity and a willingness to learn.

Continuous Improvement: Evolving Your Practice

Like code, the best 1-on-1s are iterated over time. Solicit feedback about the meeting format and your management style. Ask what’s working and what could be better. Experiment with new approaches—async check-ins, walking meetings, or themed sessions focused on learning or innovation.

When managers treat 1-on-1s as a living practice, teams thrive—and individuals flourish.

Ultimately, the most effective 1-on-1 meetings are powered by curiosity, compassion, and a belief in the potential of each engineer. They are not about checking boxes or filling time, but about building relationships that support both technical excellence and human growth. In a world where technology evolves at breakneck speed, these conversations are your anchor—uncovering needs, nurturing talent, and fostering a culture where every engineer can do their best work, in their own way.